Pobody's Nerfect.

If you know me, you know that I work to PERFECT whatever I am passionate about.  If you don't know me then, I just told you so now you do. I have to be the best and I am never hesitant about putting in the work that it takes. That's just how I am.

This has been a driving mentality all my life. If I'm interested, I will work for it.

First let me say, There is absolutely nothing wrong with aspiring to be the best. In fact it's completely biblical: "Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might..." Ecclesiastes 9:10

The problem is that perfection, ironically has flaws of its own.  There will always be someone more "perfect" than you at something. More beautiful, more funny, more nice, more caring, more intelligent, more sanctified, more fit, more prayerful, more outgoing, more PERFECT. This is what causes people to do immoral things to achieve whatever level of "perfect" that they seek. I was not an exception; the thought of having imperfections sowed a deadly seed that led me down a path filled with hatred (of self and others) and countless insecurities.

“For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace.”Romans 8:6 

2 years ago as I laid on the floor in my room, face stuffed in a pillow drenched in tears with clenched fists, I began to tell God all the things that make me feel unworthy. I reluctantly opened up those tight fists and finally........surrender happened. A few hours after handing God my heavy baggage of hate and hurt, he handed me such a lightweight peace that couldn't have come from anyone but Him.  So long to that insecure girl that needed attention from the opposite sex to be validated. I was finally free to love others!

Here is the thing, God never told me I had to CHANGE my personality of striving to be the best at everything I do, because gave that trait to me. He simply renewed my mind. When you come to Christ he doesn't work on your brain (personality), he renews your mind! Your mind controls how you carry out your personality. Your mind in the world is blind so it uses good personality traits to carry out evil.

"...in whose case the god of this world has blinded the minds of the unbelieving so that they might not see the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God." 2 Corinthians 4:4

He then freed me from the hatred and shined his Light on my dark mind;  He showed me the right way to BE the person He designed me to be!

God has placed various personality traits and passions in each and every one of us that He means to instruct us how to use properly and for His glory, if we let Him.  He used Moses' imperfections, Peter's weakness, and Ruth's hopeless situation to do great things they could have never done in their own strength because they allowed Him! God gave you a love for music? A knack for science? The gift of creativity? Made you outspoken? Put you in a unique situation? Made you quiet? Made you a leader? It's not your's to figure out, He wants to show you how to use that!

"For who makes you different from anyone else? What do you have that you did not receive? And if you did receive it, why do you boast as though you did not?" 1 Corinthians 4:7

The point here is that our personalities and mindsets can be as noble as they wanna be but they will always be flawed and misdirected if we do not surrender it to the will of God. Without Him, we will forever be aiming for the wrong type of perfection, and even worse, succeeding.

“Our greatest fear should not be of failure but of succeeding at things in life that don't really matter.” -Francis Chan

grace & PEACE.

LOWstory

Oh what a difference a week can make! (see ironic title of my last blog)

Today, LIFE just came down so heavy on me as I got home from yet another night of studying till late. I sat in the car, and just felt the burden of life sit on my shoulder, and I let it because I felt powerless. Oh it weighed me down so bad i couldn't even get out the car.

It was one of those moments when you start thinking about your life and you're not sure if you are happy or sad about it. You remember the things that are going great but then, you remember the things are just not going how you hoped and it almost cancels everything out. Tonight I realized how hard it has been for me to adjust to this new space. EVERYTHING IS NEW. New state, city, living situation, schedule, task at hand, goals, church, friends, school... everything! Just the thought slipped me into a state of sadness. I wanted to quit everything and get on the first flight back to Charlotte! Then I remembered Christ and how much he loves me, and how "before even time began my life was in His hands." I couldn't wait to put my backpack down and just lay that overly heavy burden right at His feet in prayer.

After praying, and being super real with God, telling him how much I hate it here! how I hate that I am too busy to do virtually anything but study, how I hate having to adjust, How I hate feeling like I am not fulfilling my purpose etc... I remembered something from my devotional a couple of days ago, which also showed up later on that day while I was reading the bible off my phone randomly:

"We do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses..." Hebrews 4:15

Jesus went through the biggest "move" EVER! Immortality to Mortality! Heaven & all its glory to......Earth and all its.... yeah. That's a far cry from my little move 3 states west.

"...who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men. Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.…" Philippians 2:6-8 (Interestingly I am currently studying the book of Philippians)

Jesus made sure he fulfilled what he was sent to do and he had a lot of crappy, unfavorable days. He had days when He felt misunderstood, even by His disciples. He had overwhelming days like mine that drove Him to his knees asking God to "...let this cup pass." Point is, we can ALWAYS learn from the mortal life of Jesus and He always gets it! So my prayer right now is going from "Lord, get me outta here! Let this cup pass" to "Not my will but yours, Lord! Help me to accomplish the very purpose why I am here." Remember, Jesus ALWAYS understands!

Oh what a difference sitting at the feet of Jesus can make.

Grace and PEACE.

HIGHstory

this is my story of a high I experienced the other day.

high: n. A state of ultimate euphoria

Backstory:
I was struggling so bad and confused about my purpose, future etc and just DOWN. New city, new surrounding, no loved ones, completely ALONE. On top of that I couldn't feel God's presence during my quiet time or while reading the Word. I felt lonely AND alone when I needed His presence the most. It was all bad.

But if there is anything I've learned about those moments is NOT to keep God out! I wanted to neglect Him so bad because I felt that was how He did me but see I already went through that test earlier this year and I knew the sooner I involved Him in my low moments, the better for me.
Remember this blog? "...knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance." James 1:3.

My faith had been tested in this area and I overcame. Remembering that, I was able to fight those thoughts that I knew did not come from God. Things didn't get better tho, they got worse. I got a B on my first exam after studying so hard, barely missed the A mark. This sounds silly that I was upset about this but I believed God's promise that I would be the head and not the tail (Deuteronomy 28:13) . I did not want anything less than an A and I TOLD HIM THAT so why did he let me down?
Again, I fought against neglecting God, pressed more into His presence day after day during my quiet time for weeks with no answer! Then a couple of days ago, while praying, He said these words to me:

"It is crucial that you learn to run into my arms FIRST" .. I was stunned. What does that mean? I always put God first? ... all of a sudden He showed me how my life the past couple weeks had been dependent on others. Friends, family, professors, colleagues had taken the place of God in the sense that I relied on my friends and family checking up on me/communicating one way or another to make me feel less lonely. When I was studying and I felt overwhelmed, first thing I did was email a professor or I would meet up with my classmates and try to have them help me understand a concept. God did not like that at all. While those are all great resources, He wanted me to ASK HIM FIRST. After he showed me that I pleaded for His forgiveness and mind you, I had another exam coming up and each time before studying I made sure to ask Him first to make the concepts clear to me and to help me absorb the necessary information. The test was in a couple of days. Guess what my exam score was? An A! I was soooooo high off Him. How His rebuke was right on time! Proving God for yourself is the best feeling ever! How my obedience to His word led to the direct fulfillment of His promise, it blew my mind. I could go on and on and on but I'll stop with this:

God will never fail you. Even when you think He has. He will NEVER leave you. Even when you think He has. He will never forsake you. Even when you are sure He has.

Remember that.

note. to. self.

Grace & PEACE.