Confessions of Strong-Willed Woman. *sigh*

What happens when a strong willed person collides with Someone MUCH stronger?

Hi, I'm akachipeace.

Giving my life to Christ was all fine and dandy when I was learning all about His immense love for me that sent Him to the Cross and how deeply He yearns for me. It was so exciting to learn about His forgiveness and His power to turn my life around and his freely given grace that allows me to choose Him over sin every day of my life......... and then one day He asked ME to change. I'd turned away from sin and thought that was the only change I ever had to make. Soon and very soon, I realized there were many more layers he wanted to strip me of. I began to understand why Jesus said:

"Whoever does not carry his own cross and come after Me cannot be My disciple. "For which one of you, when he wants to build a tower, does not first sit down and calculate the cost to see if he has enough to complete it? "Otherwise, when he has laid a foundation and is not able to finish, all who observe it begin to ridicule him. (Luke 14:28-29.)

There is a cost to discipleship! I know many Christians love the phrase "Jesus paid it all!"

but that payment on Calvary covers ALL our sins, not the cost of following Him. It does however make the cost easier to pay through the Spirit that He gives us as a Helper. That is why we must count the cost. The fact that Jesus would ask us to count the cost means that it must be a big deal. How many people sit down and count the cost of buying a candy bar? ok, How many count the cost of buying a car? See when you have to count the cost, its a big deal! Your discipleship is a big deal!

Back to the story:

So here I am, full of the joy of Salvation and God bursting my proverbial bubble by saying 

God: hey by the way, this, this and this have to go.

Me:*shocked* but, Lord, they aren't technically sinful so why do you want me to let go of those things/people*
God: Just trust me. If you love me, you'll obey.
Me: *Extreme sad facing for like a week*

I wondered why was it not easy for me to just jump and say "Yes Lord! It's done!" like Abraham when God asked him to sacrifice his only son that he waited so long to receive? Where was grace when I needed it? I then realized that my strong-mindedness was an insult to God. I was so used to doing things my own way, no one could change my mind once its made up! I was a go-getter, I could get whatever I want, it was only a matter of wanting it. That was my life up until Jesus crashed that party. I'm glad He did! When we accept Christ, we don't just accept Him to wash away our sins, help us right our wrongs and make us a "better person", we accept His authority in EVERY single part of our lives. From our career, spouse, and major decisions to what we wear, say and think


Needless to say this idea is most difficult for women or men like myself who are set in their ways and hard to sway. Like i'm gonna need more than a "just trust me" to trust you Lord because Ive got it all planned out. But that is an insult to God and complete arrogance on our part. Who am I to NOT trust Him? How does my resume/track record compare to His? I'm reminded of the question God asked Job after Job began to slip up and become discouraged about his condition.

"Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth? Tell me, if you know so much." (Job 38:4NLT)

I will say that they key to giving up your strong will is submitting to the One who is even stronger and knows a ton more than you do. As I began to let go of my own will when it came to God, it became easier to let go of my will when it came to people. Where I had the tendency to speak my opinion more, he gave me the wisdom to listen. He turned that strong will of mine from something that was always in conflict with Him, to a character that allows me to say NO to this world and really mean it. A strong will to stand for and maintain my convictions no matter what! A will that has kept me fighting this good fight of faith and helps me to "press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:14
I pray that you are wise to do the same.

Grace & PEACE.

LUST and things. #FINALLYFREE

I could shout! jump! scream right now! I am finally free from this stronghold of lust!!

Now this is way more "transparent" than I like to be about my life but God told me to write so pray my continued obedience in the Lord.  And bear with me. (lol).

God revealed to me that I had a lust problem. Well, lets back track...

I often find myself lusting at various times  throughout the day but  I stop it before it gets too "good".  You see, I had no issues with entertaining lust for a moment here and there, I was always careful not to go too far, just enough to satisfy my lustful appetite. I'm not going to follow through so its cool right? I'm not as bad as the people who's lusts lead them to forms of sexual immoralities right? No one knows and I'm not hurting any one right? WRONG.

My Story:
For whatever reason this past weekend, I was having a lust moment upon waking up (when I was supposed to be praying) and for the first time, I immediately shot up like someone who was drowning and rebuked the thought and it left me. It was really weird to me that I did that because needless to say, I was enjoying my little lust moment. I subconsciously didn't consider these moments to be lustful because it would go from thinking about my wedding day (a harmless fantasy that all girls randomly have from time to time nothing serious) to LUST GALORE. The enemy had taken an institution that was designed by God and turned it into something that blinded me to my sin! Scary but this is how the devil works. For this reason multiple scripture warns us of the devil's tactics in the lives of believers. When I shot up, this past weekend it was like my eyes had been opened to something. I didn't do much about it besides shutting it down in that moment but the situation burdened my mind all day. Did I mention that my prayer life had been mediocre at best for weeks so yeah I didn't "feel" like praying about it.

I believe when God wants to work on sin, he reveals it. If he reveals it, he intends to REMOVE it.  Not tomorrow, not next year, not eventually but right then and right there. This is not to say that God allows you to sin until HE wants to work on it but as His child he will keep finding ways to get you to respond to His tug regarding your sin. It could be that many of my lustful moments I didn't care to listen but for whatever reason that day, the Spirit forcefully took over to get my attention. So that night during our online group Bible Study, the Lord caused me to glance at some notes I took to a sermon a while back and one of the bullet points said "get a prayer partner." He zeroed in on that and asked me why I hadn't done that yet. The next morning I asked someone to be my prayer partner and shortly after my obedience, the Lord told me that He is ushering me into a season of prayer.

This excited me because the last time I was in a season of prayer, my relationship with Him peaked! I couldn't wait. He began to reveal and deal with so many besetting sins in my life that I had overlooked in my "busy" schedule and day to day life, in which lust was one of them. I watched a message by Adrian Rogers where he talked about the deadly side to the sin of lust.

"But each one is tempted when he is carried away and enticed by his own lust. Then when lust has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and when sin is accomplished, it brings forth death." (James 1:14,15)

God revealed that lust was indeed a stronghold in my life and its gonna take more than a little wimpy prayer to remove it. I cried out to the Lord in anguish asking for forgiveness and for it to be uprooted and by His grace,  I felt Him encourage me that it was done.

So today I stand before you & before God as a woman that is pure within and without, never returning to that stronghold by His grace, and grace alone. I am beyond thankful for the rebuke and chastisement of the Lord.

I can honestly tell you that the source of my lust came from conversations I would hear my peers having about "fine" celebrity men, things I would see on social media, movies and music that may seem harmless but there is this one tiiiiiiiiiny little sex scene, or one nasty little sentence in the "love" song. That's ALL that the devil needs to get a foothold in your life. First thing you have to do is turn away, turn off and TURN DOWN! Your spiritual LIFE and health depends on it! Delete the text messages, unfriend that person, block that number, do whatever you have to do to run from lust! It truly is a stronghold! I found myself fighting for my life during that prayer session because I felt like a prisoner to those thoughts. I just couldn't break free! I prayed using 2 Corinthians 10:4: "For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds;"

God freed me from the death grip of the enemy and He can do the same for you. If you are going through this do not let it continue to get the best of you, find someone to stand with you in prayer, and really seek God for it. Do whatever you have to. It's not easy, I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW but God is willing to help, if you are sincerely willing to be freed. I'm praying for and with you.

Grace & Peace.

SUCK IT UP........Chump!

Happy New Month!
I can't believe its already October! That's super fun bc it means its almost November, AKA National Turn up month because that's my birthday month. Lol. Good things happen in November. =)

The realization of this New month conjured up so many feelings within me about this past year which I will sum up in 4 little words "suck it up Chump!" My Philosophy: You gotta be as real as possible to yourself.

I just felt like I could never catch a break this year. One thing after another. From anticipating whether I was going to Medical school at all, my fathers illness, personal issues, moving away from home, experiencing the growing pains of a new OVERWHELMING challenge,  finding my groove, finding where I fit in and balancing it all... Those final words have helped me get up from my sulking, complaining & sad facing to wiping my tears, dressing up, plastering on a smile and keeping. it. moving. Life doesn't stop because you are going through a tough time, so learn to roll with the punches. I'm all about toughing things out.

Of course it's much easier when you know you are in an intimate relationship with a God that has promised to never leave or forsake you and comforted you many times with the following words:

"These things I have spoken unto you, that IN ME ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world." John 16:33

If it weren't for God through all this I'd probably be depressed, somewhere seeking for people and vices to fill my void and make me forget this tough year.

So whatever you are going through,  seek God and not man for comfort, meditate on His words, make sure you are continuously nurturing your relationship with Him.

Just a little while longer. I promise it will get better! It may get you down for a moment but DO NOT allow it to keep you down.

oh yeah & ...............SUCK IT UP CHUMP!

=) lots of Grace & lots of PEACE.

Love.

Pobody's Nerfect.

If you know me, you know that I work to PERFECT whatever I am passionate about.  If you don't know me then, I just told you so now you do. I have to be the best and I am never hesitant about putting in the work that it takes. That's just how I am.

This has been a driving mentality all my life. If I'm interested, I will work for it.

First let me say, There is absolutely nothing wrong with aspiring to be the best. In fact it's completely biblical: "Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might..." Ecclesiastes 9:10

The problem is that perfection, ironically has flaws of its own.  There will always be someone more "perfect" than you at something. More beautiful, more funny, more nice, more caring, more intelligent, more sanctified, more fit, more prayerful, more outgoing, more PERFECT. This is what causes people to do immoral things to achieve whatever level of "perfect" that they seek. I was not an exception; the thought of having imperfections sowed a deadly seed that led me down a path filled with hatred (of self and others) and countless insecurities.

“For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace.”Romans 8:6 

2 years ago as I laid on the floor in my room, face stuffed in a pillow drenched in tears with clenched fists, I began to tell God all the things that make me feel unworthy. I reluctantly opened up those tight fists and finally........surrender happened. A few hours after handing God my heavy baggage of hate and hurt, he handed me such a lightweight peace that couldn't have come from anyone but Him.  So long to that insecure girl that needed attention from the opposite sex to be validated. I was finally free to love others!

Here is the thing, God never told me I had to CHANGE my personality of striving to be the best at everything I do, because gave that trait to me. He simply renewed my mind. When you come to Christ he doesn't work on your brain (personality), he renews your mind! Your mind controls how you carry out your personality. Your mind in the world is blind so it uses good personality traits to carry out evil.

"...in whose case the god of this world has blinded the minds of the unbelieving so that they might not see the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God." 2 Corinthians 4:4

He then freed me from the hatred and shined his Light on my dark mind;  He showed me the right way to BE the person He designed me to be!

God has placed various personality traits and passions in each and every one of us that He means to instruct us how to use properly and for His glory, if we let Him.  He used Moses' imperfections, Peter's weakness, and Ruth's hopeless situation to do great things they could have never done in their own strength because they allowed Him! God gave you a love for music? A knack for science? The gift of creativity? Made you outspoken? Put you in a unique situation? Made you quiet? Made you a leader? It's not your's to figure out, He wants to show you how to use that!

"For who makes you different from anyone else? What do you have that you did not receive? And if you did receive it, why do you boast as though you did not?" 1 Corinthians 4:7

The point here is that our personalities and mindsets can be as noble as they wanna be but they will always be flawed and misdirected if we do not surrender it to the will of God. Without Him, we will forever be aiming for the wrong type of perfection, and even worse, succeeding.

“Our greatest fear should not be of failure but of succeeding at things in life that don't really matter.” -Francis Chan

grace & PEACE.

LOWstory

Oh what a difference a week can make! (see ironic title of my last blog)

Today, LIFE just came down so heavy on me as I got home from yet another night of studying till late. I sat in the car, and just felt the burden of life sit on my shoulder, and I let it because I felt powerless. Oh it weighed me down so bad i couldn't even get out the car.

It was one of those moments when you start thinking about your life and you're not sure if you are happy or sad about it. You remember the things that are going great but then, you remember the things are just not going how you hoped and it almost cancels everything out. Tonight I realized how hard it has been for me to adjust to this new space. EVERYTHING IS NEW. New state, city, living situation, schedule, task at hand, goals, church, friends, school... everything! Just the thought slipped me into a state of sadness. I wanted to quit everything and get on the first flight back to Charlotte! Then I remembered Christ and how much he loves me, and how "before even time began my life was in His hands." I couldn't wait to put my backpack down and just lay that overly heavy burden right at His feet in prayer.

After praying, and being super real with God, telling him how much I hate it here! how I hate that I am too busy to do virtually anything but study, how I hate having to adjust, How I hate feeling like I am not fulfilling my purpose etc... I remembered something from my devotional a couple of days ago, which also showed up later on that day while I was reading the bible off my phone randomly:

"We do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses..." Hebrews 4:15

Jesus went through the biggest "move" EVER! Immortality to Mortality! Heaven & all its glory to......Earth and all its.... yeah. That's a far cry from my little move 3 states west.

"...who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men. Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.…" Philippians 2:6-8 (Interestingly I am currently studying the book of Philippians)

Jesus made sure he fulfilled what he was sent to do and he had a lot of crappy, unfavorable days. He had days when He felt misunderstood, even by His disciples. He had overwhelming days like mine that drove Him to his knees asking God to "...let this cup pass." Point is, we can ALWAYS learn from the mortal life of Jesus and He always gets it! So my prayer right now is going from "Lord, get me outta here! Let this cup pass" to "Not my will but yours, Lord! Help me to accomplish the very purpose why I am here." Remember, Jesus ALWAYS understands!

Oh what a difference sitting at the feet of Jesus can make.

Grace and PEACE.

HIGHstory

this is my story of a high I experienced the other day.

high: n. A state of ultimate euphoria

Backstory:
I was struggling so bad and confused about my purpose, future etc and just DOWN. New city, new surrounding, no loved ones, completely ALONE. On top of that I couldn't feel God's presence during my quiet time or while reading the Word. I felt lonely AND alone when I needed His presence the most. It was all bad.

But if there is anything I've learned about those moments is NOT to keep God out! I wanted to neglect Him so bad because I felt that was how He did me but see I already went through that test earlier this year and I knew the sooner I involved Him in my low moments, the better for me.
Remember this blog? "...knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance." James 1:3.

My faith had been tested in this area and I overcame. Remembering that, I was able to fight those thoughts that I knew did not come from God. Things didn't get better tho, they got worse. I got a B on my first exam after studying so hard, barely missed the A mark. This sounds silly that I was upset about this but I believed God's promise that I would be the head and not the tail (Deuteronomy 28:13) . I did not want anything less than an A and I TOLD HIM THAT so why did he let me down?
Again, I fought against neglecting God, pressed more into His presence day after day during my quiet time for weeks with no answer! Then a couple of days ago, while praying, He said these words to me:

"It is crucial that you learn to run into my arms FIRST" .. I was stunned. What does that mean? I always put God first? ... all of a sudden He showed me how my life the past couple weeks had been dependent on others. Friends, family, professors, colleagues had taken the place of God in the sense that I relied on my friends and family checking up on me/communicating one way or another to make me feel less lonely. When I was studying and I felt overwhelmed, first thing I did was email a professor or I would meet up with my classmates and try to have them help me understand a concept. God did not like that at all. While those are all great resources, He wanted me to ASK HIM FIRST. After he showed me that I pleaded for His forgiveness and mind you, I had another exam coming up and each time before studying I made sure to ask Him first to make the concepts clear to me and to help me absorb the necessary information. The test was in a couple of days. Guess what my exam score was? An A! I was soooooo high off Him. How His rebuke was right on time! Proving God for yourself is the best feeling ever! How my obedience to His word led to the direct fulfillment of His promise, it blew my mind. I could go on and on and on but I'll stop with this:

God will never fail you. Even when you think He has. He will NEVER leave you. Even when you think He has. He will never forsake you. Even when you are sure He has.

Remember that.

note. to. self.

Grace & PEACE.

Bae.

I'll be the first woman in my 20's to admit that marriage is thee last thing on my mind. Notice I didn't say wedding lol what lady can turn down wearing a fab dress and being treated like the world revolves around her for a day?

Wedding dress? YES! Wedding day? YES! Honeymoon? YES! MARRIAGE?! Uhhhmmmmm..

Why the hesitation? Well, the wedding lasts for just one day, that's the easy part. Marriage is the forever part. As women, we must think long and hard and prayerfully about the man we say "yes" to (relationship, courtship, marriage wise) because it could greatly alter the call of God on our lives. As God slowly reveals His call on my life, I weigh it against the men that approach me. If it doesn't line up,

As women, we long for a man who will go to great lengths to show us how special we are to him. We want a man who will wait for us, be patient with our short comings, long for intimacy with us everyday and never even think about turning their back on us no matter how bad we mess up or how "crazy" we are. Don't get me wrong, I want those things too (I ain't crazy though lol) but these qualities will not be a great foundation for "forever." Christ taught me to long for a man who's qualities are directly in-line with His.

Christ's Qualities in our Relationship:

1. He is patient with me when I mess up. "The LORD is compassionate and gracious, Slow to anger and abounding in lovingkindness." Psalm 103:8

The Lord is not slack concerning his promise, as some men count slackness; but is longsuffering to us-ward, not willing that any should perish, but that all should come to repentance. 2 Peter 3:9 

2. He yearns for me everyday, He always wants to talk and spend QUALITY time with me."Or do you think the Scripture means nothing when it says that the Spirit that God caused to live in us jealously yearns for us?" James 4:5

3. He gave up whatever he had to,  and endured suffering to the point of death on a cross to make me His beautiful bride.

"For you know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that though he was rich, yet for your sake he became poor, so that you through his poverty might become rich." 2 Corinthians 8:9

"And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death-- even death on a cross!" Philippians 2:8

        "Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her" Ephesians 5:25

5. He is never tired of loving me! "Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom." Isaiah 40:28

6. He cares about my purity. "that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish." Ephesians 5:27

7. He loved me first. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. 1 John 4:10 

We love him, because he first loved us. 1 John 4:19 

These are just to name a few but the more I get to know Him, the more I fall in love with Him. He is the template of Physical/Earthly love. He is the template of marriage. It would be absolutely silly for me to settle for a man who offers me less than what Christ gave. Of course he is not to "replace" Christ in my life, he simply patterns his behavior and love for me according to Christ's perfect example. From this perspective marriage doesn't seem so terrible after all?

Grace & PEACE.